


Bad Days

by MarriedPhan1234



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Depressive Episode, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 01:21:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13423716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarriedPhan1234/pseuds/MarriedPhan1234
Summary: Dan is in a pretty brutal depressive episode.





	Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> So, I really hope this fic doesn't come off as problematic or romanticizing because that was not my intention at all. In fact, I wanted to show that it's not romantic at all to go through depression. It sucks, it stinks (literally), and you pretty much just have to wait it out. And I just wanted to share my thoughts on it here. Please let me know what you think!

Phil reached for a mug from the cabinet and set about making some tea for Dan. He thought about also making him a snack before he decided against it. Dan wouldn't eat anything anyways. In fact, it would be a miracle if Phil could get him to choke down some of this tea. 

Dan was in the middle of a pretty brutal depressive episode. He'd been sleeping off and on for three days, and hadn't eaten anything in two. And Phil was really starting to worry. But he did his best to stay calm, and reminded himself that he'd seen Dan through this before. He would be fine. It was just a matter of making sure he stayed hydrated while they waited it out.

He added sugar and milk just how he knew Dan liked it and then headed to Dan's room. He braced himself before he opened the door, unsure of what he might find. He wasn't worried so much about Dan doing anything to hurt himself. It was that when Dan got like this, he just couldn't do anything. He couldn't get out of bed, couldn't find the energy to eat or drink or shower. He would lie in his bed, alone, stuck inside his own head for however long it took for his brain chemicals to even back out. 

When he finally pushed the door open, he wasn't surprised to see that Dan hadn't moved a muscle since the last time he'd come to check on him. Which had been hours ago. The room was dark, not a single light on, including the dim night light that should have been glowing in the corner. It was almost like Dan just didn't want to exist for a while.

Phil slowly stepped toward the bed, wondering if Dan might already be awake. The closer he got, the more he noticed that the room was musty. It smelled like stagnant air mixed with unwashed bedsheets and sleep. He had to get Dan out of this room, even for a few minutes. Maybe he could talk Dan into opening the window for a while to get some fresh air flowing in here.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil said as softly as he could. There was no response. He set the tea on the bedside table and flicked on the lamp, shielding Dan's eyes with his had as to not overwhelm him. He was surprised to see his eyes were open. He was awake, but his eyes stayed unfocused, even with Phil's hand just inches from his face. It was as if Phil wasn't standing there at all.

“I've just come to check on you. Have you slept at all since I was last in here?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head slightly. Phil's heart broke, but he wasn't surprised. Sometimes Dan just wanted to lie there, totally lifeless. Phil just hated that he had been right down the hall the entire time while Dan just laid here, miserable.

“Do you think that maybe you could sit up and drink some tea? I put milk and sugar in it,” Phil asked, but Dan didn't respond. He didn't even shake his head. “Please, Dan. I know it won't really make you feel better, but it will help you not to feel any worse,” he reasoned. Dan finally took a deep breath and started shuffling around under his duvet. He pushed himself up only a few inches, his head barely resting on the headboard, but Phil supposed that would be enough not to spill the tea all over him. 

Phil sat next to Dan, but didn't touch him. He knew that Dan was very sensitive right now, and didn't want to do anything to overwhelm him. The slightest jostle, loud noise, or bright light could send Dan straight back down into his duvet cave. He waited patiently while Dan took small sips of tea and kept himself from showing too much excitement when he nearly finished the whole mug. This was a good sign. 

Dan handed him the mug, and before he could crawl back into hibernation, Phil asked, “What do you think about leaving your room for just a few minutes? Just long enough to open the window and get some fresh air in here?”

Dan gulped and looked around the room. Phil knew that sometimes it all seemed like too much for Dan. That just the thought of having to walk all the way to the lounge, find the TV remote, look for something to watch, it was simply too much. Which is why he chose to just stay in bed when he felt like this. Phil could tell that he was over thinking about it all. Probably nervous that Phil would make him go outside or something equally overwhelming.

“What if I draw you a bath? You wouldn't have to do anything but sit in it and relax. Then you can come right back to bed,” Phil said. 

Dan blinked a few times, then looked down at himself. Phil would never say as much out loud but… Dan needed a shower. It had been at least three days since he'd had one, and just as long since he'd brushed his teeth and hair. Asking to draw Dan a bath hadn't exactly been a spur of the moment thought. Dan finally looked at Phil, really looked at him, and nodded his head just slightly. 

“Alright. Stay here, I'll come get you when it's ready.” 

Phil left the lamp on and the door open when he left Dan's room, hoping that would keep him tethered to reality so that he could mentally prepare to leave his bed. He also knew better than to ask Dan if he wanted any bubbles or bath bombs because sometimes, Dan just couldn't choose. The decision of bubbles or fizzles, vanilla or raspberry, was enough to make him forget the bath altogether. Phil readied the bath and chose for him- vanilla- then he made sure there were wash cloths and a towel nearby, as well as turned the lights to their lowest setting before he went to get Dan.

It was slow going, but Dan finally made his way down the hall. Phil held him steady as he got undressed and stepped into the tub, only to immediately curl up with his arms around his legs and his head resting on his knees. That took a lot out of him, and Phil knew it. He had to act fast.

“Will you be alright if I leave you alone for a few minutes?” Dan nodded with his face still hidden by his knees. “Try to relax, I'll be right back.”

Phil subtly picked up Dan's boxers off the floor and placed them into the bin on his way out of the bathroom. He knew for a fact that Dan had been wearing the same pair for at least three days. There was no saving them. 

He quickly opened Dan's curtain and window. The natural light caught on the dust particles in the air, and Phil was just happy that Dan would be breathing clean air after this. He stripped Dan's bedding and shoved it all into the washing machine, then replaced them with some mismatched bedding from the hall closet. He took a wash cloth and quickly ran it over Dan's desk, nicknacks and bedside table to get rid of the dust, and then went to check on Dan in the bath.

He walked in to see that, again, Dan hadn't moved. He knelt next to the bath to be level with Dan. “I could wash your hair if you want,” he whispered. 

He heard Dan take a shaky breath and then whispered back, “Okay.” 

He didn't move to make it any easier, but Phil had done this before. He used the wash cloth to wring water over his head, then massaged shampoo all over his scalp. It was difficult to be soothing with his movements without pulling through any tangles in his hair. He dreaded the thought of brushing it, but he knew that for now, getting him clean was better than nothing at all. When he had scrubbed all that he could, he then rinsed his hands off in the bath water and told Dan to lie back to rinse. He massaged a bit more and tried to gently detangle all that he could, when he heard Dan whisper. 

“I'm sorry.” Dan's eyes were closed and his hands were covering as much of his modesty as he could.

“You don't have to be sorry, Dan. You're having a bad day. Everyone has them,” Phil told him.

Dan opened his eyes then. “But it's not fair to you,” he said, his voice cracking from lack of use. “I can't depend on you to help me feel better every time this happens. You-you do so much for me, Phil, and not just this. All the time. Ever since we met, you always take care of me. And that's not fair.”

Phil sighed and dried his hand on the towel next to him. He knew Dan was right, though he would never use it against him. “But I don't mind taking care of you.”

Dan sat up and wiped the water from his face. “I know you don't, but it's still not fair. One of these days, it'll be too much for you to handle, and then what? What if one day, it's all too much and I just… just-”

“What are you saying, Dan?” Phil asked, and he didn't try to hide how badly Dan was starting to worry him. 

“No, not like that. That's not what I meant. I meant, like, what if the next time I get like this, it lasts for months? What if you really can't get me out of bed, or to eat or drink? What if you drop everything because you have to stay home and take care of me? It's not fair to keep you from your life, Phil.”

“Dan, I love you. You are my best friend, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure you're okay. That includes taking you to hospital if I am actually in fear for your life or well being. I know you, and I know that you want get better. You're not keeping me from my life, and you're not being a burden that I have to take care of.” Phil said. He knew that Dan often had thoughts like that, that he was a burden and no good, especially in moments like these.

Dan rubbed his face with his hands and took another deep breath. “Just promise me. Promise that if I do become too much for you to handle, or if I become toxic to you, that you'll take care of yourself first? And if that means you have to check me into a facility, then so be it. I know it's not easy taking care of me, so please just promise.” Dan looked like he was near tears as he pleaded with Phil.

Phil reached into the water and took hold of Dan's hand. “I promise. Just as long as you promise to keep going to therapy and doing your best to get better. I know you can't help it when these bad days hit you. Just as long as you're doing your best, we'll both get through them. Deal?”

Dan nodded his head, clearly unable to say anything more without crying. 

“No matter how much I wish I could 'save' you or 'fix' you,” Phil continued, adding air quotes so Dan would understand that he was being somewhat sarcastic with his word choices, “I know that I can't. So I'm not trying to. But I am willing to do what I can to help you help yourself. So, please don't ever feel like you're a burden to me, because that's simply untrue.”

They were both silent for a long moment, and finally Dan reached for the wash cloth and shower gel. It had been a long and hard three days, but Phil knew they could definitely get through it.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on [tumblr.](https://erinnnyeahhh.tumblr.com/)


End file.
